She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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