Im at strip club and am horny
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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