I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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