DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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