i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
