Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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