He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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