You're a womanizer and a bitch.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
