He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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