woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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