Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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