Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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