so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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