And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
