I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
