my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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