oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
