that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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