Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
two words: eviction party
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
