I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just forgot I was standing up.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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