walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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