so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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