Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
they need to just BURY HIM!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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