i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
