Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
