i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
