shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
