In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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