before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
