dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
