Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
