i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
