Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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