You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
