so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
