I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
