I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
