Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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