I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
