why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
