remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
