Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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