I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
