He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
