I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
