i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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