he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
