haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
