Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
