No more Irish car bombs ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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