Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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