the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
